Potter Puppet Christmastime
by WeirdnessTimesTwo
Summary: It's Christmas time for the Potter Puppet Pals and Harry, Ron and Hermoine must save Santa when Voldemort tries to ruin Christmas. Make sure to leave comments! We wanna know what you think. MJ jokes were written before his death; no offense intended.


THE QUEERS ARE HERE

**Potter Puppet Christmastime!**

_PREVIOUSLY ON POTTER PUPPET PALS_ DUMBLEDORE: Barbie is a bitch. She is just a witch.  
RON: I really hate her. Why does Ken date her?  
DUMBLEDORE: Ken is such a man. I'd do all I can  
RON: Just to do him.  
HARRY: Oh, I was right! They are fruits! You owe me nine sickles and a dungbomb.  
HERMIONE: Ron sort of came out of the closet, but Dumbledore didn't.  
SNAPE: Hello. He was wearing a shirt that says "I'M GAY" and he was doing the gay Barbie dance. How much more proof do you need? VOLDEMORT: OOOOOOOOOOOOH, look! Piras Hotlin! I'd get an award for that!  
PIRAS HOTLIN: Being a slut is soooo hot.  
VOLDEMORT: Hello Ms. Hilton, it's time to die!  
PARIS: What?  
VOLDEMORT: Avada kedavra!  
PARIS: Nooooooooo, this is sooooooo not hot! (dies) _BACK TO PRESENT TIME_  
VOLDEMORT: Now that I've finally killed Paris, maybe I'll finally get something halfway descent from Santa. Like a bomb!  
HARRY: A bomb? That's lame. I'm getting a Nimbus 2002. That'll show Malfoy!  
HERMOINE: Well, I'm getting new schoolbooks.  
HARRY: It's always new books with you, you little nerd. What do you want for Christmas, Ron  
RON: I want a new thong, I mean uhhh a Nintendo DS. What about you, Dumbledore.  
DUMBLEDORE: Same thing as you want.  
RON: A Nintendo DS?  
DUMBLEDORE: No.  
HARRY: That's highly disturbing yet it doesn't surprise me. Well, what do you want, Snape?  
SNAPE: My happiness.  
HARRY: Again, that doesn't surprise me.  
VOLDEMORT: Well, I also want you all to die for Christmas and now I might finally get it! (exits) _CHRISTMAS MORNING_  
VOLDEMORT: Coal? I finally do something good for the world and I still get coal? That's it no more Mr. Nice Voldemort. It's time to kill Mr. Santy Claus. _SCENE CHANGE_  
HARRY: Oooh I got the Nimbus 2002. I finally have a cooler broomstick than that spoiled brat.  
MALFOY: Hey Potter! Look what my daddy got me for Christmas!  
HARRY: Damn! A Nimbus 2003, you suck!  
MALFOY: I know you do. (exits)  
HERMOINE: Well, I got The Smart Bitch's Guide to Having a Life.  
RON: Can I read that when you're done?  
DUMBLEDORE: I got a brand spankin new thong!  
RON: Me too! I mean uhhh I got a Nintendo DS.  
HERMOINE: Cool, can I play it?  
RON: No. it's broken.  
HERMOINE: But you just got it.  
RON: Santa forgot the batteries.  
HARRY: cough Queer. cough  
SNAPE: Well, I was slightly happier, until I heard that you Christmas fruitcakes got lingerie.  
DUMBLEDORE: Oh Severus, stop being a sad sack and enjoy this fruitcake. (hands him a fruitcake)  
SNAPE: You know no one likes these.  
DUMBLEDORE: Me and Ron like them.  
HARRY: Well, you are what you eat.  
RON: I don't get it.  
_NEXT CHRISTMAS EVE EVE EVE AT THE NORTH POLE_  
VOLDEMORT: I'll disguise myself as an evil elf in order to get into Santa's workshop.(puts on pointy ears and a fruity elf costume) Good thing I robbed Ron Weasley's closet before I got here.  
RON: (back at Hogwarts) Where's my fun little elf costume? I always wear it around the holidays. This is the worst Christmas ever.  
VOLDEMORT: Such a foolish little child. Now, back to my plan. (in Santa's workshop) Prepare to die Mr. Claus!  
SANTA CLAUS: Georgette? The evil elf with a girly name? Who let you out of prison?  
VOLDEMORT: His name is Georgette, no wonder the dude's twisted.  
SANTA: Wait, you're not Georgette.  
VOLDEMORT: No, genius. I'm Lord Voldemort, the dark wizard or, as the other wizards call me, You know Who. Sometimes hey call me Lord Whatshisname but that's not important right now. I'll kill you unless you reward me for killing Piras Hotlin.  
SANTA: Well, I should reward you for that but you've been naughty the rest of the year so no pesents for you.  
VOLDEMORT: Fine then, avada ke-  
SANTA: Wait, don't you want to publicize your killing?  
VOLDEMORT: Why would I do that if I can just kill you right now?  
SANTA: Why _wouldn't _you do that?  
VOLDEMORT: Can't argue with that logic. (on a televized screen thingy) Citizens of the world, I'm going to kill Santa Claus so I'll give you 24 hours if any of you want to save his frozen ass.  
_AT HOGWARTS_  
HARRY: That bastard's holding Santa against his will. We've got to save his frozen ass.  
HERMOINE and RON: Yay!  
HARRY: Ok, let's go.  
HERMIONE: Wait! Don't we need to be in disguise?  
HARRY: Oh, yeah. Ron, do you still have your elf costume?  
RON: cries NO!  
DUMBLEDORE: Aww, Ron I liked that elf costume. It made your butt look tight and muscle-y.  
RON: I know! I was going to wear it as a Christmas present for you!  
DUMBLEDORE: You know, I had another present in mind.  
RON: But I don't have my fun little elf costume.  
DUMBLEDORE: That's okay. We don't need material possessions.  
RON: I don't know what you mean.  
DUMBLEDORE: You know. We could whispers in Ron's ear  
RON: Ooh, I don't think I'm ready for that yet.  
HARRY: You guys can play naked Twister in bed later. Right now we need to save Christmas. Tresicus elficus costuma.  
DUMBLEDORE: Can I come too?  
HARRY: Sorry, but you're too old.  
HERMIONE: Not to mention fruity.  
DUMBLEDORE: But Ron's fruity.  
HARRY: But we don't know you like we know him.  
DUMBLEDORE: Please, Ron?  
RON: I'm sorry, Dumblycakes.  
DUMBLEDORE: But I want to wear the sexy elf costume.  
RON: If it was just me, I'd say yes, but it's not cool with my peeps. Besides, your ass wouldn't look nearly as sexy as mine.  
DUMBLEDORE: But I want to help save Christmas! And the sexy quotient of my ass has nothing to do with it.  
HARRY: It has everything to do with it. You're forbidden to come on this mission unless you have a sexy ass.  
HERMIONE: Is my ass sexy?  
HARRY: Turn around. Well, it's not that sexy, but you're mostly coming along for your brains.  
HERMIONE: Close enough.  
HARRY: All right, men, and Ron, let's go. HERMIONE: I'm a girl!  
HARRY: Whatever. looks at Hermione's butt  
RON: Why are you looking at her ass again? I thought she wasn't sexy. pause You should be gay.  
HARRY: Just because I don't feel that way about Hermione doesn't mean I feel that way about every girl. Take Ginny for example.  
RON: Ginny's a lesbian!  
GINNY: Stop telling people that! I'm not a lesbian! I honestly thought Hermione was a guy.  
HERMIONE: Oh, not you too! You all suck!  
RON: I suck on something different than they do!  
GINNY: Can I save Christmas too?  
RON: No, because you're not gay!  
GINNY: But your friends aren't!  
RON: Leave!  
Ginny leaves  
HARRY: Now, her ass would look sexy in an elf costume!  
RON: Well, what about mine?  
HARRY: Well, I'm not gay, so I can't judge that. But apparently gay guys think your ass is sexy, which should be good enough.  
RON: YAY!  
HERMIONE: I think your ass is sexy.  
RON: Ewwwwwwww!  
HARRY: Okay. We should go before Voldemort gets medieval on Santa's ass.  
RON: Voldemort's gay too?  
HARRY: Not that I know of. All right, men, and Ron, let's go.  
HERMIONE: I'm a girl!  
HARRY: Yeah, yeah, you keep saying it, but we don't believe it. Let's just go!  
Harry, Ron, Hermione leave  
DUMBLEDORE: Fine, I'll save Christmas myself, but first I need an elf. Ooh, that rhymed! Snape passes Snapeicus elficus costuma!  
SNAPE: What? Why am I wearing this fruity elf costume? Is this yours?  
DUMBLEDORE: Actually, it's a replica of Ron's.  
SNAPE: That's not surprising.  
DUMBLEDORE: It makes his butt look tight and muscle-y.  
SNAPE: I didn't need to know that.  
DUMBLEDORE: Wait, turn around.  
SNAPE: Why?  
DUMBLEDORE: Just do it. Ooh, it makes your butt look tight and muscle-y too.  
SNAPE: Oh, I am so suing.  
DUMBLEDORE: You can do that later. You're still wearing it.  
SNAPE: So why am I wearing it?  
DUMBLEDORE: I need to save Christmas and I need someone to make the toys.  
SNAPE: So use the children.  
DUMBLEDORE: The children left to save Santa's frozen ass.  
SNAPE: Damn! Just when I need the snivelly little brats.  
DUMBLEDORE: Now, get to work Snape! Wait, Severus Snape doesn't sound like an elf name.  
SNAPE: Maybe because it's a depressed wizard's name.  
DUMBLEDORE: We need to change it. How about Giggles?  
SNAPE: That's highly ironic.  
DUMBLEDORE: Get to work, Giggles. pulls out Piras corpse If I have to do this, so do you.  
SNAPE: pulls out Piras corpse If I have to do this, so do you.  
_NORTH POLE_  
HARRY: breaks into Workshop with Ron and Hermione Santa, we're here to save your frozen ass.  
SANTA: Yay! The good children have come to save me from the evil bastard!  
VOLDEMORT: Damn it! Why can't you kids let me have my fun?  
RON: Because you've been a naughty boy.  
all barf  
VOLDEMORT: Oh, that sounds so gross coming from a gay guy.  
RON: Not that kind of naughty boy.  
VOLDEMORT: Oh, thank God!  
RON: Why don't you want to be that kind of naughty boy.  
HARRY: Not everyone's gay! Live with it.  
HERMIONE: Wait, don't we have something we're supposed to be doing here?  
RON: I think it was about saving something frozen. . .  
HARRY: Ron's thinking? That's a first!  
RON: Why thank you Harry.  
HARRY: But I, nevermind.  
VOLDEMORT: Wow, your friend's retarded. Anyway, was it about pie by any chance.  
RON: I think it was.  
HARRY: Don't think so much. You'll hurt yourself.  
SANTA: Oh God! It wasn't about saving frozen pie! It was about saving my frozen ass, retards!  
HERMIONE: No I'm pretty sure it was about pie.  
VOLDEMORT: Don't listen to that fat bitch. You should go save that frozen pie. Or I'll kill it!  
HARRY: Men, and Ron, let's go save that pie!  
HERMIONE: I'm a girl!  
HARRY: Whatever.  
come back in five minutes later  
HARRY: Hey, you tricked us!  
VOLDEMORT: No shit, Sherlock.  
RON: Stop being such a naughty boy!  
all barf  
_BACK AT HOGWARTS  
_Meichal Jocksan: Grandpa, I got here as soon as I got your text message.  
SNAPE: You text?  
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, Giggles, everyone has a cell phone.  
SNAPE: I can think of a million things to say, but I'm not gonna comment.  
DUMBLEDORE: I need you to help make the toys, but you need an elf name first. How about Severus Snape?  
SNAPE: Oh, come on!  
MJ: But isn't Severus Snape his name?  
DUMBLEDORE: That's his wizard name, so it doesn't count.  
MJ: Okay.  
DUMBLEDORE: Giggles, Slutty, Severus, get to work.  
MJ: I love making toys for the children.  
SNAPE: I don't.  
Two hours later  
DUMBLEDORE: So, how many toys have made?  
SNAPE: 27.  
DUMBLEDORE: How many do we need?  
SNAPE: Excluding the children who don't celebrate Christmas, about 2 billion.  
DUMBLEDORE: Close enough.  
MJ: I just love making children happy.  
SNAPE: There are 2 billion children who celebrate Christmas. We only made 27 presents. There will be 1,999,999,973 children who will have a very sad Christmas.  
MJ: Why do you have to depress me?  
DUMBLEDORE: Yeah, Giggles, why can't you be happy like Severus Snape?  
SNAPE: This is highly disturbing.  
DUMBLEDORE: Let's sing songs while we deliver the toys. starts singing "Celebration"  
SNAPE: Can we sing something less happy?  
DUMBLEDORE: No. Now, I need reindeer. Reindeericus costuma.  
SNAPE: I hate my life.  
MJ: Can we sing Thriller?  
DUMBLEDORE: No! You don't hear Slutty complaining!  
MJ: Isn't Slutty -  
SNAPE: Shh. Don't mention it to him.  
MJ: Why?  
SNAPE: He might make me get rid of her.  
MJ: What are you going to do with a dead Piras Hotlin corpse?  
SNAPE: You know whispers  
MJ: Oh that is sick. Girls are gross.  
_NORTH POLE_  
SANTA: You guys realize you have been arguing about Ron's sexuality for the past three hours?  
HERMIONE: Yeah, we're here to save Santa!  
SANTA: Now this young man has some sense.  
HERMIONE: I'm a girl!  
SANTA: You are?  
HERMIONE: Well, I did get The Smart _Bitch's_ guide to having a life.  
SANTA: Oh yeah.  
VOLDEMORT: What did your gay friend get? Something for his beloved Dumblypies?  
RON: His name is Dumblycakes! And no, I got a Nintendo DS.  
HERMIONE: Why don't you ever let me play with it?  
RON: I told you it's broken.  
HARRY: Why would you give Ron a Nintendo DS without the batteries? That's pretty stupid.  
SANTA: I didn't give him a Nintendo DS.  
RON: All right, fine, it was a thong.  
all barf  
HARRY: I think I was happier thinking he got a Nintendo DS.  
SANTA: You guys get off track so easily.  
HARRY: to Ron No, jelly beans are way better than kidney beans.  
HERMIONE: We're supposed to be saving Santa!  
RON: Oh, yeah. Well, I've got a plan.  
VOLDEMORT: Deja vu.  
RON: Ready? Shoot him!  
gunshots fire  
HARRY, HERMIONE, RON, AND SANTA: YAY!  
SANTA: You children are pure of heart, even though you are easily distracted.  
Dumbly and friends land at random house  
SNAPE: So, what are we giving this random child?  
DUMBLEDORE: (shows gift) This lovely t-shirt for such a good little boy.  
MJ: Hee hee!  
SNAPE: That shirt is gay, it's got rainbows and butterflies.  
DUMBLEDORE: I'm replacement Santa and I say we give it to him!  
MJ: It's so luscious.  
DUMBLEDORE: See, Snape likes it.

SNAPE: Of course he would, he's queer too!

MJ: I'm not gay, I just like little boys.

SNAPE: That only proves my point!  
MJ: You're just ignorant!  
SNAPE: Your mom's ignorant!  
MJ: Oh shimona!  
SNAPE: What does that even mean?  
MJ: It means-  
DUMBLEDORE: Come on, let's go to another random house.  
NORTH POLE  
SANTA: For rescuing me, here are presents for all of you!  
HARRY: A Nimbus 2009! That'll show Malfoy!  
RON: Another new thong! I mean- nevermind.  
HERMOINE: New schoolbooks for the nerdiest wizards and witches ever born!  
HARRY: Like that's something to be happy about. How's being a nerd a good thing?  
HERMOINE: Better than being a retard!  
HARRY: Bitch!  
HERMOINE: Smart bitch!  
SANTA: Yeah, I'll just go deliver the presents. I hear there's some crazy old gay guy trying to do my job.  
HARRY: Remember to give Malfoy coal!  
CHRISTMAS MORNING  
SNAPE: A perscription for the most anti-depressing anti-depressants ever made! I'm so happy! They're already working!  
DUMBLEDORE: A sexy elf costume that could make even he oldest and wrinkliest asses look sexy!  
HARRY: So Malfoy, what did you get?  
MALFOY: I don't want to talk about it.  
HARRY: I got a Nimbus 2009!  
MALFOY: Good for you, Pothead!  
HARRY: So, did ou get a new thong to match Crabbe and Goyle's?  
MALFOY: No...  
HARRY: Well, if you don't wnat to tell me - Malfoyicus truthica!MALFOY: I got an incredibly girly T-shirt!

RON: I have one just like that!

MALFOY: Figures.

HARRY: Ron is ten times the queer you really want to be!

RON: Oh Harry, I love how you defend my homosexual horor!

HARRY: Don't get any ideas!

RON: I won't because I'm about to meet my Dumblycakes. Yay!

(In Dumbledore's office)  
RON; takes off shirt I'm ready Dumblycakes!

DUMBLEDORE: Oooh double naked time!  
RON: Let's do it!  
DUMBLEDORE: Ok, left foot on red.  
RON: Our inferior puppet bodies don't have feet. DUMBLEDORE: Oh, just use your hand.

(Everyone comes in and barfs)

MJ:Ooooh, Twister with a naked little boy. Can I play?  
DUMBLEDORE: Sure, you can be the spinner.  
MJ: Actually, I want to be on the mat with the little boy.  
DUMBLEDORE: NO, HE'S MINE!  
RON: Yay! I'm his!  
MJ: Oh shimona!  
RON: What's a shimona?

MJ: Actually it's -  
_CREDITS ROLL_

EVERYONE: (to the tune of Carol of the Bells) Ding dong, ding dong. Wands all around, magic abounds, happiness here, Christmas is near.  
RON: He's naked on my bed, his ass is really rad.  
HARRY: Harry is mad.  
MALFOY: Malfoy is bad!  
HARRY: I got the better broom so Malfoy's isn't cool.  
SNAPE: This costume's gay, I hate this day!  
All: We wish you all a very very Merry Christmas! We wish you all a very very Merry Christmas!  
DUMBLEDORE: Ron is my bitch!  
HERMOINE: Hermoine's a witch.  
ALL: Dumbledore's queer but Christmas is here.  
VOLDEMORT: Piras is dead, no more to dread!  
ALL: Voldemort's mean, he hatched a scheme to ruin Christmas but tit was a bust. Piras got raped by Severus Snape!  
SNAPE: Hey, who told you?  
ALL: We wish you all a very very Merry Christmas! We wish you all a very very Merry Christmas!  
DUMBLEDORE: Naked TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!  
_END CREDITS_


End file.
